Tips For Putting Yourself First By Saying No
In my last Always Learning blog post, I advocated for saying No more often. And I’m here to say it again - Yes is not a healthy reflex response. If saying Yes undermines your needs, it’s a lousy deal. Since 80% of my Instagram audience is women, I’ll take a flyer and say the number isn’t much different here, though I don’t have research to back that up.
So - women - start training yourself to say No when you don’t want something! You’re not obligated to accept what’s offered, whether it’s the “opportunity” to take on more miserable assignments, a social obligation you’re not interested in, 30% less pay for your work, or unwelcome pick up lines from a stranger. In my last post, I outlined some very basic tips to start getting yourself used to saying No. I’ve added a few more. It’s one of the many things in life where practice makes perfect. You’ll get more comfortable and more skilled with it as you do it. (If you’re in a situation where it could be truly dangerous to do that, DM me for resources. I’ll find them, wherever you are).
A shoutout here to a woman whose entire business is teaching women to negotiate - Victoria Pynchon of the aptly titled business, She Negotiates. Check her out, but please do come back. I’ve been following her and reading her writing on Linked In and in her newsletter for, well, years now, and I have a lot of respect for her.
I highly recommend signing up for Victoria’s newsletter (right after you sign up for mine) for solid tips on negotiating the pay you deserve. Read this week’s: “Sophisticated people need sophisticated advice”. You’ll see that even a trained litigator has a challenge with saying that she’s good at her job. And calls it bragging when she does. Is it, though? I’ll bet there is objective evidence it’s true, yet darn it, we can’t help ourselves. She doesn’t apologize, which is the default position of so many of us, whether we’re simply stating what we’re good at, or saying No to something we don’t or can’t do. Start assuming you deserve to be in choice, rather than just accepting what comes up.
Victoria posted a couple of days ago something that’s incredibly simple, but that most women I know have NEVER been taught: No is the beginning of the negotiation, not the end. This is game changing, and infuriating that it’s not what girls and women are taught. We’re taught to be nice and polite, and that means smiling (always smiling), saying thank you and not raising issues with what’s offered. Gratitude is what’s expected. And don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge believer in gratitude where it’s appropriate. It’s not appropriate when women are lowballed in respect by others who are considering their self-interest. And boy, can it get nasty.
Scrolling through Twitter last week, I came across a Tweet by an editor who was reeling from a torrent of abuse that was unleashed on her, when she turned down a request for her editing services. I can’t remember exactly what it was for, but it wasn’t a cover letter for a job application. It was at a minimum a long article - at most, a book. I remember that it was significant, and was exactly the type of work that earns her a living. The ask wasn’t reasonable and there was no upside for her. She declined.
The person requesting her free services wasn’t just disappointed - they didn’t stop at upset - they went straight to incensed that she would not do what they wanted, and let her have it with language she was still shaking from, hours later. I suspect she would have been in for a nightmare had she accepted.
How was that possible? Why did someone asking a favour turn on the person whose expertise they wanted? And how did someone who may have been been flattered at the beginning of their conversation, ring off in emotional turmoil after being abused?
I don’t know either person but was stuck by how this interaction left one of the participants an emotional wreck, spilling her tea all over a very public platform. This was one terrible conversation, a lousy ask and nothing like a negotiation!
Notice how your body feels when you’re asked for favours.
Pay attention to how you react physically as well as mentally. Does your heart beat faster? Does your stomach tighten? Do you react similarly to every request, or just requests you’re not happy about?
Give yourself some easy wins to build your confidence.
Turn down some low value requests which you would normally feel only somewhat obligated to accept. Pay attention to how you feel when doing it. Journal about how it feels. Sit with the feelings. Adjust your comfort level with saying no, and keep testing yourself.
Practice saying “No” or “No, Thank you” without apology.
If your default is to apologize and offer excuses, take a breath or two and resist the urge. You don’t have to explain or offer an excuse for every No you utter.Evaluate whether an ask is reasonable before responding.
Not all requests are reasonable, as in the above example. Ask some questions to clarify and state your boundaries clearly.
Step into your confidence when deciding whether to accept a request.
Take that breath, remember that just as they can choose to ask for help, you have the right to choose whether you can, or want to assist.
If it is worth negotiating, then remember Victoria Pynchon’s words, and you’ll find your mindset changing about being clear on your needs. If you state what you desire, the discussion can focus on getting each party more of what they want, rather than verbal sparring. You may only be saying no to certain aspects of the request, and if they can be made satisfactory, you’ll do it. If that’s the case, by all means, be clear about what it is you want, and listen as they respond. Listen to everything - not just the words, but the tone and delivery.
If the response is anything like what the Editor above received for saying No, then a negotiation may be fruitless and walking away is the best course of action. Whether you choose to negotiate or walk away, be sure that it’s a Yes for you and your needs. And thank yourself for taking care of you. It will get easier as you honour yourself.
I finished my last post with this picture. It’s worth using it again. And likely again. Saying No can be uncomfortable. Stay tuned for more Life at the End of Your Comfort Zone!
