Get Comfortable Saying “No” and Regain Your Power
Is your ambitious co-worker trying to pawn off another of his thankless projects on you, because he’s eyeing the juicy one that you’re perfectly qualified for?
Has a friend asked you to catsit Fang the Destroyer again, even after he clawed through your slipcover?
Is a relative trying to guilt you into “just a small family party” of at least 10 people, knowing you’re self-isolating?
We make dozens of decisions each day, and making the decision to say No more often can significantly reduce your stress if you replay conversations that end with a No, only in your head.
We’re taught saying Yes is socially acceptable, it’s “nice”, it’s polite. If you are worried about disappointing people. this will take some work, because that can be a real consequence of saying No. It can also be a consequence of saying Yes, but you’re the one who’s disappointed.
When saying Yes becomes a reflex, it can lead to overwork, overwhelm and underachievement - because you’re not taking care of your own needs. If you’re doing your co-worker’s assignments, you will burn out before you’re able to impress your boss with your own work. Your energy is going into doing things you really don’t want to do, and your mental energy is wasted by your Inner Critic telling you over and over what a sap you are, it’s time to take control.
The mindset shift that you need to make has you at the Top, not the bottom, of your personal To Do list. Your priorities need to be clear for you, and you need to learn how to hold to them. Be clear with yourself that you only have so much time, and your To Do list matters the most. You can do that in a journal, or in a letter you write yourself, taking the role of someone who has your best interests at heart.
Make a list of the things you could accomplish at work if you weren’t getting dragged into completing others’ assignments.
Script a conversation with your friend with the ferocious feline, suggesting alternative accommodations to yours. Reread the script until you’re comfortable with it.
Tell your relative that you can’t make this party and that you’re looking forward to a time when it’s safe to all get together. Until that time, you’ll happily hook into the party electronically. (OK, that’s a lie - by now, we’re Zoomed out).
The key is to get used to saying No before you have to. Sit with it. Say it different ways. Practice a gentle let-down for when it’s appropriate, and a firm, simple No, thank you for other times. Hear yourself say it out loud. Notice the sky is still above your head.
There might be disappointment, but this time, it won’t be you who is disappointed. You are not obligated to absorb that all the time. There might well be anger. If there is, take another breath and ask questions if you need to. If you don’t, stand your ground and look at whether anger really is warranted, or is it a poor reaction because they are used to getting their way? You don’t own that.
Take a moment to think about whether you want to say yes before you do. Ask some questions to clarify the ask and if it could be beneficial to you but you need something, ask for it. Negotiate. You’ve been asked the favour, so are in a good bargaining position. Don’t be afraid to say No if it’s a bad deal for you.
Whether you say Yes or No to someone’s request, be sure it’s a Yes for you.
