How to be Present for Others When Chaos is Swirling Around You

This is not an easy time. Just when we might have thought we had some things figured out, the world made sure to remind us how little we are truly in control. There’s nothing about the pandemic and its cost in peace of mind that I need to tell you; it is just lousy. Keeping our own heads above water while holding up our families, work life - whatever that may look like now, friends from a distance and those obligations and stresses that didn’t disappear when we locked down, all take a toll.

I’ll write more about the concept of putting on your own oxygen mask first another day (remember being able to fly?), but since I’ve been asked frequently about how to talk with others who are struggling, so I’ll start there. How do you support an employee whom you haven’t had an actual coffee with since March? How can you show empathy over Zoom? Can you reassure a worried relative that you still care, when you can’t visit and give them a hug?

Yes. You can. And by being truly present with them, you offer them attention that is purely about them; something that may be in short supply these days. Keep in contact with them before you need to have a tough conversation - demonstrating that they are important to you makes later, harder conversations a bit easier.

You’ll need to plan it out a bit. Shaking hands or a hug are shorthand for making a reassuring connection at the start of an interaction, but now we have to do things differently, so think about what is going to work in this moment before hitting “Join”. It will look different for an employee versus your mom, but remember what puts each of them at ease. Even something like asking about the kids first off can bring up concerns about schooling and care, making an employee even more anxious, so start with that virtual handshake or hug: take a pause just for them, a moment with an honest smile, and the kind of sincere eye contact that only staring into that small camera hole on your device can bring. In a coaching session, we’d develop a “centering” pause that might be a deep breath or two, or silence while we settle in to do the work, but whatever it is, it’s the client’s ritual. It’s to make them comfortable and ready to tackle their goals. It shows we’re Present for them.

Staying present is easy once you get started, because your mindset is to simply be there for the person with whom you’re talking. No interruptions, no glancing away to other screens. Look at them. Listen to their concerns, letting them know you heard them. Simple techniques like saying, “so, you’re feeling…x…is that right?” lets them know you are listening and gives them the chance to correct or fine tune understanding. Being present for them includes focus on their experiences, and not veering off to that time you went through something similar. Perhaps you did, but it’s not going to feel the same for them. If you find yourself reacting and offering your perspective, pull yourself back and ask how they are feeling about the issue, or what they are thinking of doing. Centering them is powerful - it’s an acknowledgement that they are valued.

Being present for someone can refuel them if they’re depleted and can lift them up more than you might ever know, but it’s always worth doing.